Misunderstood

"To be great is to be misunderstood" - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It's been a couple of days of distrupted sleep and rest not solely / mainly because of the death of a loved one's kin, although I emphatise and share in the sadness of the loved one, rather it is the pain of hearing from another party of how I am perceived / seen as someone who "looks outward and does not look inwards". I am not sure if such phrase exist but it basically refers to one who sides outsiders (non-family members) to immediate family members. What I heard was that I was seen as one who did not mourn as much during my grandmother's passing about 3 years and 3 months ago.

It saddens me because 3 years and 3 months ago, I remember how much it hurt that I couldn't speak much upon hearing the passing of my beloved grandmother. I cried buckets of tears and spent many sleepless night reminiscing the support, love and care she had for me, my family throughout the difficult periods of my growing years. She was constantly there despite the many "backlash" she received from her very own flesh and blood. Called names which any mother would have been extremely hurt, yet she continued to care for us. I remember even after the funeral, I had for 2 weeks missed her deeply that I posted her picture on my FB profile picture to remember her. This brings to mind what she had told me the February of 2008, 6 months before my wedding. She said in Hokkien "Keong, I fear that I may not be able to be there for your wedding". When "old people" say such things, it is best to take heed. I felt faint and weak in the knees. I would love my 96 year old grandmother to be there for my wedding, to bless my wedding. I said told her to pray that the Lord grants her strength to live to see me get married and to see us have children and live past 100. She said ok. She indeed lived to see me get married but passed away peacefully 1.5 months after that.

How could one anyone, especially someone dear to me, say that I did not mourn for my grandmother when all the above was going through my mind? Couple of thoughts crept through my mind:
1.) Was the information I heard of such remarks made about me accurate?
2.) What have I done to give across the perception that I was "mourning" more than my grandmother's passing? Was it the disapproving behaviour of comments made by the one close to me?
3.) Is the one close to me jealous/resentful (of matters from wedding, first house etc I shall not elaborate further)?

To be honest, I have no answers to these questions except follow-up questions after follow-up questions. So much so that it is affecting my sleep patterns and attitude.

Thank God my loved one decided to go to a Christian bookstore to hunt for Christian memorabilia for the home decor.

I picked up a book by Charles Swindoll, "Getting Through The Tough Stuff". As I went through the content page, Chapter 2 caught my eyes, "Getting Through the Tough Stuff of Misunderstanding".

That chapter of the book started off by painting a picture of what it means to be misunderstood through different scenarios in life, none of which were mine. However, it was reading through the next few pages which struck me most.

I was not alone in this ordeal. There were characters in the bible that Charles had taken as examples who endured the same, in fact much worst that I, fate of being misunderstood. He talks of Joseph , David and Jesus himself.

I shall give my summary of my understanding of the Chapter someother time when I have think through it thoroughly. Suffice to say, I was most touched reading the life of Jesus and how he was the one who was most misunderstood. The four blows of misunderstanding were:

1.) His intentions/actions was misunderstood by the Pharisees, religious leaders of Israel (Mark 3:1-4).

2.) His passion, misunderstood to be insanity by his very own people (Mark 3:20-21).

3.) His power, misunderstood as demonic by the scribes (Mark 3:22).

4.) He was misunderstood by His immediate family (Mark 3:31-35).

For me, the fourth blow was the one that I identified the most as it is, to some extent, what I am going through now and it is indeed comforting to know that He knows how I feel. According to Charles after careful study, the family members Mark mentions called for Him because they believed Jesus was demented and they wanted to spare Him shame and protect him from further public ridicule. He referenced to A.T. Robertson's writing of the family being a "pathetic picture of the mother and brother standing on the outside of the house, thinking that Jesus inside is beside himself and wanting to take him home".

What truly inspired me was how Jesus responded. He didn't go out and rebuke his mother and family members. Rather, He kept on doing what He was doing, leaving them to figure things out for themselves. His higher priority was with those around Him to hear what He had to teach and bring to them.

I must admit that I had on occassion, not been very gentle in the way I speak to my offenders especially relating to parents. According to Charles, I need to consider the relationship as sacred ground even if I'm right as it is never easy to be a parent until I've become one.

Moving forward, I'll need to pray for wisdom from God to learn to see from the eyes of the one who misunderstands and pray that He reveals why the misunderstading occurred and what have I done / could have done to better the situation and the lessons learned.

One thing stands out from this chapter especially on how to get through the misunderstandings. It is the focus on self. Learning to see the problem by putting ourselves in other people's shoes, by assessing why the misunderstanding arose by reflecting on what were our actions advertently / inadvertently that could have caused the misunderstanding especially if it is on the same point. Also, reflecting on what can be learnt from the lessons and how it could be handled in a more mature manner (I would rather call it Christ -like).

Too often, people focus on handling misunderstanding by focusing on what others people did or what other people should do when Christ teaches us to focus inwards and change ourselves to be more Christ-like.

Next steps would be to focus on two key things: forgiveness and letting go. Without which, would breed bitterness.

"To be greater is to forgive the one who misunderstood" - Charles Swindoll.